Umm, that’s a good question. I guess the short answer would be — a lot. Fortunately, this isn’t therapy (been there, done that). Hence, I’m not gonna bore you with the crappy details and just state the obvious:

I love chicks.

Lots and lots of chicks.

Preferably, at the same time (and ideally without having to pay for it. Hookers suck. Fuck ‘em!).

So, does that make me an asshole?! And if it does, would you like to kiss my ass, you P.C. POS??

I mean, let’s face it — “nice guys” finish last. Or, in my case, get stuck with a clingy, emotionally unstable wallflower who likes to talk in her sleep and weep during sex. Great catch. I know.

Got Ambien?

I’m kidding. I don’t do drugs. I just muffle her with a pillow.

But, before you go all mushy and feel sorry for me or “Jill”, I should let you in on a little secret… I’ve got a plan. And it’s genius.

I’m gonna dump the bitch!

Yup, say good-bye to my little friend cuz you’re crazy ass is out of here… Ta-Ta!

Fuck. Back in the day college life was so much easier. All it took to make a chick happy was showing her some dirty tricks and having her star in her own dirty flicks.

Now, it’s just talk, talk, talk… Always complaining about this shit and that shit. How I should help her more around the house, how I always take her for granted, how it’s not cool that I want to bang her sister. Blah, blah, blah. Well, excuse me for trying to be more honest, Oprah!

I guess, in retrospect, me think it’s a good thing I didn’t mention that her banged her best friend last year…

“Toodleloo. Baby, you know I only love you.”

Not! BAWAHAH.

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